Jack and the Beanstalk aka Hiei and the ladder
by Rc
Summary: The cast of YYH play out Jack and the Beanstalk for my demented TV show. So stay tuned to watch/read. They also are victim to my ingenious creativity...yay for them. I revised Chatper 2 please read.
1. Jack and the beanstalkladder thing

Disclaimer: YYH is not mine!  
  
A/N: Ok Everyone. This is my story! Heh heh.  
  
-On a small stage there's a small cottage home made of.cardboard because this show has a very cheap stage artist. A woman is dressed in rags and is in the kitchen of the cardboard home. A small boy is sitting at the cardboard table-  
  
Narrator: Once there was a poor widow who had an only son, named Jack.  
  
Keiko: I AM NOT A WIDOW!  
  
Narrator: Well in this story you are, So get over it ok! Geesh. Continuing. Jack was good-natured and affectionate but lazy.  
  
Hiei: I AM NOT GOOD-NATURED OR AFFECTIONATE!  
  
Narrator: LIKE I CARE! IT'S MY STORY SO STOP COMPLAINING! I'M PLAYING YOU ENOUGH! SHUT UP!  
  
Keiko + Hiei: PAYING US? SINCE WHEN?  
  
Hiei: I thought this was your sick plan to embarrass us all so we would do this gay show?  
  
Keiko: Yea. And you kidnapped Yusuke and me and told us you'd kill us with a wet noodle if we didn't do this.  
  
Yusuke (Appears out of no where): And the reason we did this was because I was taught never to argue with the insanely stupid.  
  
Narrator: Well then.I know what character you will play my love rooster!  
  
Yusuke: O.o Love rooster? -Narrator punches him off the stage. -  
  
Narrator: -laughs loudly. - OK! Any other interruptions?  
  
Cricket: -cricket-  
  
Narrator: Good then. As time went on the widow grew poorer and poorer until she had nothing left but her cow. And all the time, Jack grew lazier and lazier. One day jack's mother said to him.  
  
Keiko: "Tomorrow you must take the cow to market. The more money you get for her the better, for we have nothing left to live on."  
  
Hiei: No.  
  
Narrator: DON'T TALK THAT WASN'T YOUR LINE! -Flying headless monks attack Hiei. -  
  
Hiei: Ow.  
  
Narrator: Next morning Jack got up earlier than usual, hung a horn around his shoulder, and started out with the cow.  
  
-Hiei is traveling down a crappy straw road that was put on the stage with a stuffed animal in the shape of a cow. A man appears dressed in rags.-  
  
Narrator: On the way to market Jack met a queer little old man.  
  
Kuwabara: I'M NOT OLD, QUEER, OR LITTLE!  
  
Narrator: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SHUT UP! I DON'T CARE! BITE ME MOEFOE! NOW SPEAK OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR SLIENT NIGHT!  
  
Kuwabara: -blink blink- "Good morning My lad. Where may you be going with the fine cow?"  
  
Hiei: Hn.  
  
Narrator: -eyes glow red- SAY THE LINE...  
  
Hiei: -twitch- "I'm taking her to market."  
  
Kuwabara: "As if you had...had...wit enough to sell cows!" -can't read let alone the cards- "A bit of a lad the doesn't even know how many beans make five!"  
  
Hiei: -snort- "Two in each hand and one in your mouth."  
  
Narrator: Jack had answered the man with a quickness that would have made his mother proud.  
  
Keiko: -snort- Doubt it.  
  
Hiei: -glare-  
  
Kuwabara: "Oho, Oho!"  
  
Narrator: Laughed the queer old man.  
  
Kuwabara: -glare-  
  
Narrator: GEEZ! FINE! Laughed the stupid teenager.  
  
Kuwabara: Better. "Since you know beans, suppose you look at these."  
  
Narrator: He held out his hand. Filled with rainbow-colored beans.  
  
Kuwabara: "I'll give you all these for your cow."  
  
Narrator: Jack thought that would be a bargain...  
  
Hiei: What is he? An idiot?  
  
Narrator: -twitch- So jack traded the cow for the beans and hurried home.  
  
-Hiei and Kuwabara traded items and walked off the stage. The Scene changes to Jack's Home. -  
  
-Hiei comes running in fake excitement. -  
  
Hiei: "Look Mother!" -he puts the beans in Keiko's hand. "I got all these pretty beans for the cow!"  
  
Narrator: Wow Hiei.  
  
Hiei: Thank you.  
  
Narrator: You're welcome. Go Keiko.  
  
Keiko: "You stupid boy! Now we shall have to starve!" -Keiko Flings the beans out the cardboard window. -  
  
Hiei: -growls- I got those...  
  
Narrator: HIEI! IT'S A STORY! STOP! I SPENT 3 WHOLE MINUTES PUTTING THIS STAGE TOGETHER! DON'T DESTORY IT!  
  
Hiei: Hn.  
  
Narrator: -sigh- The next morning Jack woke early. He ran into the fake garden and found a ladder with plastic vines on it going all the way up to the rafters this ladder is a beanstalk.  
  
Hiei: -laughs- RIGHT!  
  
Narrator: -glare- This 'beanstalk' had sprung up during the night from the beans his mother had thrown out the window. Jack began to climb. He climbed ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP!  
  
-The stage in now like the sky. There's cardboard cut out's of clouds paint pink and red because the director is cheap and didn't look at the labels when she chose the paint. -  
  
Narrator: Jack stepped off into the sky and walked until he met a beautiful woman with a face like a star. Now this lady was a fairy and she knew what jack was thinking so she answered his questions before he asked them.  
  
Botan (Her face is all glittery): "Jack you are in a country ruled by a wicked Youko. This Youko killed you father and took all his gold and precious things. You were only a baby when this happened and your mother was to sad to say anything." -she smiled at Hiei-  
  
Hiei: -blink- You look pretty Botan-chan.  
  
Botan: Thank you! "If you and your mother are ever going to be happy again you must punish that Youko."  
  
Narrator: And so the fairy whispered something in Jack's ear and sent him on his merry way.  
  
Hiei: My way is not merry.  
  
Narrator: Ok then! One his disturbingly upset and alone way.  
  
Hiei: -glare-  
  
-The stage changes to a cardboard cut out of a castle with an operating cardboard door! -  
  
Narrator: Toward to night jack reached a castle. He blew his horn and a cook answered the fully functionally cardboard door.-  
  
Atsuko: -takes a drag off her cigrette- Yea. What'd ya want?  
  
Narrator: ATSUKO!  
  
Hiei: "I am very tried and hungry. Can you give me supper and a night's lodging?"  
  
Atsuko: "You little know, My poor lad, what you ask. A Youko lives here and he eats people. He would be sure to find you and eat you for supper. It would never do..." -she draws on lazily. Then shuts the door-  
  
Narrator: (Gah they're all idiots.)  
  
Hiei: OPEN THIS DOOR WRENCH!  
  
-Atsuko opened the door and pulled him in-  
  
Atsuko: "You know? I like you kid. You have spunk and some politeness. Why don't you become my son? And take over that ungrateful brat's job as so?  
  
Yusuke: MOM!  
  
Atsuko: Yea. There he is.  
  
Hiei: T.T "Awe...I feel loved."  
  
Narrator: -shakes head- Once the cook had gotten Jack fed they heard a thump thump thump. The cook threw Jack into the oven before the Youko came into the kitchen.  
  
Yoko Kurama: "Fe Fi Fo Fum! I smell the blood of a demon! Be he live or be he dead, I'll grind up his bones to make my toast!"  
  
Narrator: .. what...OH NEVER MIND!  
  
Atsuko: "You're on crack cutie! Here eat." -She threw and cereal bar at him-  
  
Yoko: "What the heck is this?"  
  
Atsuko: "Just eat it!"  
  
Narrator: So the Yoko ate his small meal then asked for his hen. The cook brought the hen to her master.  
  
Yoko: -looks at the hen...- OH MY GOD! -laughs-  
  
Yusuke: SHUT YOUR TRAP!  
  
Narrator: I told you love rooster!  
  
Yoko: "Go on. I got to see this. Lay an egg."  
  
-Yusuke growls and jumps off the table to the refrigerator and grabs an egg-  
  
Yusuke: "Here!"  
  
Yoko: Ok! I'm tried! -Fakes sleeping-  
  
Narrator: And so Jack jumped from the oven grabbed the eggs from the refrigerator and ran home quickly. Day after day the hen 'laid' eggs and jack and his mother begin well rich!  
  
Keiko + Hiei: "YAY! WE'RE RICH!"  
  
Narrator: Er...right. The wicked Youko still bothered Jack's mind. So one day he climbed the 'beanstalk' and covered him self in a clock so the cook wouldn't know it was him. So he went back to the cook and begged her once more. She didn't recognize who it was. Jack got a free meal and once again the Youko came in the kitchen. The cook covered jack with a turned over bucket.  
  
Yoko: "Fe FI Fo Fum! I smell the blood of a Demon! Be he live or be he dead, I'll grind up his bones to make my toast!"  
  
Atsuko: "Stuff and Nonsense!" -She placed a bowl of green marshmallows in front of him-  
  
Yoko: O.o "What the -beep- is this?"  
  
Narrator: PG! PG! PG! THIS IS A CHILDREN'S STORY!  
  
Yoko: T.T "But why do I never get GOOD food?"  
  
Atsuko + Narrator: "Just eat."  
  
-The Youko Ate in silent hating of the author and Narrator...who are the same person-  
  
Yoko: "Bring my beautiful harp!"  
  
Atsuko: "FINE!"  
  
Narrator: The cook brought him his harp and soon after it started playing. The Youko feel asleep and Hiei jumped from under the bucket and grabbed the harp. As he was running away the harp screeched.  
  
Koenma: "HELP! HELP!"  
  
Hiei: KOENMA?  
  
Koenma: HI!  
  
Hiei: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Narrator: The Youko awoke and began chasing Jack. Jack jumped down the 'beanstalk' and called for his mother.  
  
Hiei: "MOTHER! BRING AN AX!"  
  
Keiko: -comes running- I can't find an ax!  
  
Hiei: !  
  
Narrator: The Youko started to descend from the 'beanstalk'.  
  
Hiei: -he kicks the ladder and the Youko falls-  
  
Yoko: OW! MY BACK!  
  
Narrator: And so the Wicked Youko was sent to the hospital with a broken back and Jack and his mother lived happily ever after. Wasn't that sweet?  
  
All: No.  
  
Narrator: HEY! I'll do Little red riding hood next? -All the lights suddenly go off. -  
  
Narrator: Guys? Guys?  
  
Cricket: -cricket- 


	2. Little red riding hood

A/n: Ok I sorta FORGOT a whole section and I think that's why people hate me...But anyway. Here's the Revised Version.  
  
Yusuke: _._ -Bored, annoyed and ill paid- Ok folks. The Narrator/Author is on vacation and is forcing me to do this. Normally I wouldn't force them to do such idiotic stunts but I'm in a foul mood. And they must cheer my mood up.  
  
Hiei: I REFUSE to cheer your ass up! -Oh and BTW Hiei has a little red cloak on-  
  
Yusuke: YEAH WELL I'M GONNA SHOVE MY FOOT UP YOURS IF YA DON'T DO WHAT I SAY! GOT IT BOI-TCH?  
  
-Yusuke's yelling had created a wind that sent most of the stage set flying as well as the Actor-  
  
Hiei: T.T (( Why do I live?)) -He flies right into the rafters and hangs himself up side down from the metal bars-  
  
Yoko: OH MY GOD! WHY THE HELL AM I ALWAYS THE BAD CHARACTER? WHY CAN'T I BE THE SUGARPLUM FAIRY?  
  
Yusuke: Ko-chan. There is NO sugar plum fairy in this play.  
  
Yoko: -sniffle- W-y-why?  
  
Yusuke: Erm..Ok Ko-chan tell ya what.. -Yusuke pulls Yoko off to the side and whispers something into his cute fluffy ears. Yoko's face brightened suddenly-  
  
Yoko: -nod nod- I do I do!  
  
Yusuke: -smile- Ok. Once upon a time there was a little village girl...er.boy..  
  
Hiei: -a glare from above-  
  
Yusuke: -nervous laugh- who was as sweet as sugar..-feels the glare deepen- and as good as bread. -His life flashes before his eyes-  
  
Yoko: How can they judge bread? Bread is good but why use that similarity. Why not use..as kind as a kindly old woman sitting on the steps of saint Paul feeding the birds with the little bag of tuffin's she brought from the grumpy old man that sells them down the lane that the gingerbread man lives on?  
  
Yusuke: -blink blink- Her mother loved her very much.  
  
Keiko: HIEI GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW SO I CAN LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!  
  
Hiei: Hn. BITE ME BITCH!  
  
Yusuke: ((Botan I'm terrible sorry)) And her grandmother was even fonder of her..-glare- him.I mean him.  
  
Botan: HI! -She's dressed like an old woman. But her blue hair shined from under the granny cap- OH! I love my granddaughter..son....thingy...it. I'll make him a cute little coat! WHEE! -She skips off the stage happily-  
  
-Hiei walks on with a little red hooded cloak and Keiko following-  
  
Keiko: Ok son. I want you to take this basket of car parts to your grandmother.  
  
Hiei and Yusuke: O.o  
  
Keiko: Oops I'm sorry! I meant THIS basket of goodies.  
  
Yusuke: And so little red hiding hood left his house and walked through the woods to the cute cottage his grandmother lived in. On his way a white kitsune jumped from the bushes. This Yoko has a cape much like Hiei's on.  
  
Yoko: Hey!  
  
Hiei: Hn.  
  
Yoko: T.T Fine. But where ya goin'?  
  
Hiei: None of your business.  
  
Yoko: -reads script- Your going to your granny's huh? -he licked his lips- Yummy! With a basket of goodies!  
  
-Hiei held the basket close-  
  
Hiei: BAD KITSUNE! YOU CAN'T HAVE EM'!  
  
Yoko: BUT I'M HUNGRY AND YUSUKE-DARLING WON'T FEED ME!  
  
Yusuke: Yusuke-darling? Where is he getting this stuff from? _._  
  
Yoko: -cough- Does your granny live far off?  
  
Hiei: -nod- Oh yes. In the middle of no where.  
  
Botan: And boy am I bored!  
  
Yusuke: DON'T CUT IN!  
  
Botan: EEP!  
  
Yoko: I say, Why do we make a race out of it? It would be jolly fun.  
  
Hiei: ((-whisper- psh-Yusuke what the hell is this? 1846?))  
  
Yusuke: ((-shrug- Just ignore him.))  
  
Hiei: Ok fine. I'll bet you 20 bucks you get there before me. -sly look-  
  
Yoko: -grin- And I bet you 20 that....I'M NOT THAT FUCKING STUPID!!  
  
Hiei: O.O -runs away-  
  
Yusuke: And so Yoko arrived at Granny's WAY before Little red riding hood. He knocked on the door.  
  
Botan: DIE MUTHFUCKER!!!! -She kicks open the door and is dressed in a camouflage nightgown and is holding M-16's and other various guns. - Oh.it's a cute Kitsune...AWE!  
  
Yoko: BOTAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING???  
  
Botan: -smiles inncoently- Nothing. And..hey.aren't you oppose to be me in this play later? Yoko: -grits teeth- Yes..  
  
Botan: Well why aren't you? Slacker...  
  
Yoko: .. Well I would be if you hadn't opened the door. In this play I have to break in. I'm pose' to eat you!  
  
Botan: Out? -smile-  
  
Yoko: -blink blink- Ew, never mind. -He picks her up and shoves her in the hall closet. And locks it- There.  
  
Yusuke: Um yeah. And so the Kitsune went to the dresser and picked out a dress. He took a cap a tucked his ears in it. He jumped on the bed and waited for his prey.  
  
Hiei: -knock knock- YO OLD HAG! YOU HOME?  
  
Yoko: -twitch- Yes my dear!  
  
Yusuke: The Kitsune made his voice very girlie.  
  
Hiei: -he walks into the bedroom- Yo granny what big eyes you have.  
  
Yoko: All the better to see you with my dear.  
  
Hiei: Yo granny what big ears you have.  
  
Yoko: -blink-  
  
Yusuke: One of the Kitsune's ears had come out from the cap.  
  
Yoko: Better to here you with sweetie.  
  
Hiei: O.o o.O Yo what big Teeth you have.  
  
Yoko: ALL THE BETTER TO EAT YOUR SNACKS!  
  
Hiei: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Yusuke: Yoko jumped from the bed and chased little red riding hood around the room. He dropped the basket and a cheesecake rolled out. Little red Riding hood room hit the floor and cried. Much to his displeasure..  
  
Yoko: Yummmmmy! -he goes for the cheesecake-  
  
Kuwabara: HEY! LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!! -he's dressed like a lumberjack and has a HUGE ax that lonely HE could possibly lift-  
  
Yusuke: -sigh- Damn. The Lumberjack swung his ax. A few times.  
  
Hiei: YOU IDIOT! YOU CUT THE CHEESECAKE!  
  
Kuwabara: Uh.That wasn't the point?  
  
Hiei: NO!  
  
Yoko: But it's ok! Let's eat.  
  
Yusuke: So The Kitsune, Little red riding hood, The lumber Jack and Me Ate some cheesecake.  
  
Botan: -red glowing eyes- WHAT ABOUT ME??????? -she stands behind Yoko-  
  
Yoko: OHHHHHHH. How'd you get out of the closet?  
  
Botan: Y.O...K..O.....  
  
-Yoko shoves a piece of cheesecake in her mouth-  
  
Yoko: Good?  
  
Botan: -heaven- mmmmmm..  
  
Yusuke: I'm happy now. CHEESECAKE SOLVES EVERYTHING! 3 CHEERS FOR CHEESECAKE!  
  
All: CHEERS! CHEERS! CHEERRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSS!  
  
-Door burst open To reveal the Author-  
  
Rc: Hey guys!  
  
Yusuke: Suddenly I don't feel to well..  
  
Hiei: same here...  
  
Rc: -smiles-  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own YYH. Sorry I forgot the first time. 


End file.
